So I'm reading Kelly's post and I'm like, shit. I need to think of something good. I'm going over sitcoms in my head and I'm like well DJ Tanner is pretty bad. Right? The Deej? Crying over Kathy Santoni in the bathroom stall with her lunch on her lap and all that mess. Nah, not good enough. So I'm like, well what about cartoons? And my mind immediately goes to the 80's because those were the cartoons I knew best. Suddenly, in a flash of genius, I remember.
The fucking Cabbage Patch Kids. Jesus christ, Xavier Roberts and the goddamn bunnybees and goddamn Babyland General Hospital. You've got sneaky ass Cabbage Jack lurking around spying on behalf of Beau Weasel and Lavender McDade. And old Colonel Casey and Otis-Lee, whatever the hell they were doing when the bad guys were stealing wallets on Christmas and trying to keep Paula-Louise from finding old orphan Jenny a good home even though she had a leg brace. (Who wants an adorable, sweet little redhead in a leg brace anyway...give me a break). And old Tyler-Bo and Ramie-Marie along with Sybil-Sadie and whoever the hell else run for their lives to find the nice couple with the wallet that old Beau Weasel dropped on the ground in New York (idiot). For sure these nice people will want crippled old Jenny. Anyway, I am getting totally off track here. The point of all this rambling is that the Cabbage Patch Kids have the most fucked up names of anyone ever, dolls and animated characters alike.
It's like after the doll is made and before the birth certificate goes into printing, someone in a fake nurse's uniform picks two first names out of the biggest pot of ugly fucking names in the world. Are the names inscribed on the certificate supposed to represent a first and middle name? Probably. But still, jesus. Like adding a last name would make it all better. I like to think of these as hyphenated first names, which in itself drives me absolutely nuts. Like when someone says, "Janna Bonnie, please come help make dinner." or "Gail Andrea! School starts in 15 minutes; hurry UP!" This does not mean that when your mother is mad she calls you by your first and middle name. This means that even on your English test you will write your name as
Gaylynn Glenda. Even your Science teacher will say, "Oh Cassidy Shirley, your project turned out just wonderful!" Or your math teacher will say, "Who knows the solution to this equation? Matthew? Jennifer? Astrid-Kelby?"
I like trying to add a last name to these train wrecks, like Geri-Karen Bethany Montopolis. Still doesn't work. You'll see her on the street in Cary Town and say, "Hey Geri-Karen! How's the antique plate collection going?" or maybe you'd see your good friend Florence-Julia Louise Attenbury and you'd be all, "Oh, Florence-Julia! Well I never! How LONG has it been?" Even on your credit card it'll say "Jo-Cheryl N. McIntosh," or "Deborah-Becky L. Stratford."
Never hyphenate your child's name. It's like trying to leave a voicemail for someone whose voicemail message is so long you fall asleep before it beeps, or have time to take a shit before you have to say anything. Or it's annoying when Irba-Melissa walks in and you say, "Good Morning, Irba." and she's all, "It's Irba-MELISSA." Well shit, excuse me for trying to save a few syllables from boring me to death. Below is a list of Cabbage Patch Kid names--all names used in this post were taken straight from the CPK website. See for yourself if you want to. It's a fuckin' goldmine.
• Sally Lettie
• Maxwell Ballard
• Bambi Sarri (WTF?)
• Addy Barbara
• Tammie Cassandra
• Marla Yasmin
• Celeste Margaret
• Beatrice Janie
• Aubrey Evelyn
• Edie Erna
• Alexis Judith
• Shelley Jaymee (eeeeew)
• Cynthia Milly
• Fantasia Olimpia (omg)
• Glendakay Tami
• Buffy Susan (ok, fine, I made this one up)
• Jeannine Margo
• Bianca Hilary
• Barb Claudia (one of my favs) "Hey, Barb Claudia, hope to see you at the mall later!"
• Aubree Mandi
• Verna Terry
• Sheron Misty
• Sheron Phyllis
• Maple Chandra
• Penny Sandy
• Zebular Trent (I couldn't make this shit up, people)
• Aretha Nina
• Sis Eleni
• Marjorie Robbie "Have you guys seen Marjorie Robbie? She was supposed to meet me at Hot Topic like, 20 minutes ago."
• Barbara Monica
• Niccele Oprah
• Porsche Courtney (That one's for you, Kelly) "Porsche Courtney, Do you have something you'd like to share with the class, or would you like me to read that note out loud?"
Slightly Stunned,
Kaylee Vicky
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