Brady Bunch of Crappy Names

My best friend Lisa and I used to talk on the phone during the summers for five and six hours at a time. We were like nine, what else could we have been doing? Not like we had cable, or internet, back in 1986. So we would watch tv together, whatever we could find on the six channels we had, which amounted to a lot of Bob Ross and a sickening amount of The Brady Bunch. It just occurred to me the other day, when brainstorming ideas for the blog, that The Brady Bunch really brings together some of the worst names that America has to offer. Let's explore:

The Bitchy Sisters
Marcia: So, good idea on a name, inventor of Marcia (Marsha). Evoke the idea of a boggy, mossy stinktrap. Everyone knows the character of Marcia, her smug dominance of her subordinate sisters, her trite concerns, her damned hair. Marcia is destined to be boring, self-absorbed and snippy. And a stinktrap.
Jan: Jan evokes a visceral reaction when it moves its way sluggishly out of your mouth. Jan. It's like a chewed up Airhead, all molasses-y and choking. On the other hand, if it is the European Jan for a guy, it's a totally rad name, mostly because you don't have to regurgitate it with the chewy "Juh" sound at the beginning.
Cindy: Get the fuck outta here. This is one of the worst names ever. Cindy, Cyndi--a white trash standard in the baby name book. I may have to reserve some venom for a future post, since Cindy brings out the worst in me. Even worse when goth girls make it Sindy or Sindi, BARF.

The Dumb Brothers
Greg: Another name that gets stuck somewhere in the back of the throat, like a ball of phlegm. Greg is a serious name for a kid, and a boring name for an old man. There's no movement, no excitement. It's just a blop of Greg on the ground.
Peter: So. Names that are also nicknames for penises. This, again, will have to be a longer post, as my blogmate has a great correlation to the movie "Teen Witch" that relates to penis names. But basically, don't name your kid after a shlong, especially if your last name is Johnson.
Bobby: Robert isn't such a bad name. It's strong, pleasing to say, and respectable when not shortened to Bert. But Bobby is just a way of forever sticking your kid in the status of a 5 year old, much that way that Mikey arrests development. Bobby is so close to Booby that you also curse your child in that *special* elementary school way.

The Clueless Parents
Mike: I was so excited when I found out that the actor that played the Brady dad was gay. I just wish he could have been out and about with it. Maybe when I'm an old lady there will be sitcoms with gay parents, and the focus of the show ISN'T the orientation. But back to Mike. Michael is another classic name, like Robert, with a satisfying ring and neutral history. But Mike, in its informality and shortness, leaves a little to be desired.
Carol: I have a great aunt Carol, so I have great associations with this name. Florence Henderson's character, and also Carol Seaver, are the only negative strikes for this name. I might have to leave any Carol bashing to my blogmate.

The Peripheral People
Alice: We are Alice fans around here, a good classy old lady name. Alice as a character was a little annoying, but not bad enough to take away Alice's charm.
Sam: As in the butcher. Sam rhymes with Ham. Ham, not so pleasant. Nuff said.
Oliver: Cousin Oliver was such a little shithead. I knew a cat named Oliver, and he was great, with his black tail and white body. Much in the same way that Eddie is only a cat name to me now, and any boys I meet named Eddie instantly convert to cat in my mind, Oliver is very snuggly as a cat name. As a boy's name, I can only say, sorry kid. Sorry that your name is better suited for a cat.

Bunched beyond belief,
Kells