Setting You up for Disaster names

People that name their children based on moral strength really grind my gears. Look, if you name your kid Charity, she's gonna be the stingiest bitch that ever lived. In fact, she'd probably steal from a homeless person if she thought she could get away with it. The reason she'll turn out this way is because she'll be stuck with a name that means she should be the epitome of generosity--and anyone that sees her being a selfish bitch is going to take notice and give her crap about it--or at least think she's a terrible person. If you name your kid Hope, she's going to be a depressed, Slipknot sweatshirt wearing, wrist cutting mess. Same with if you name your kid Faith. She's gonna be a god hater and everyone at your church is going to shun her because they'll be able to tell the light of jesus isn't shining through her. Hahaha. Okay, sorry, back to business. Anyway, she'll probably be just as miserable as Hope because she'll realize the world sucks and she's stuck with this name that demands having faith in things and thinking everything is going to be okay--which it's not. I feel terrible for these people; I really do. So then we have Justice. Parents think it's so distinguished, and with a name like that, he or she will be a real leader. More like a dirty corrupt politician, with a name like that. His parents will always be all, "Now, Justice...this is the right thing to do...you should know that." Like as if just having Justice as a name will make he/she the shining jewel of ethics and moral consciousness. Then you have your Harmonys. Parents would think it sounds so whimsical and endearing, but really what you get is a girl who is completely unbalanced and has an atrocious voice. Last there's old Joy. Oh, Joy, where do I begin, you poor, poor thing. Your life is projected from birth to be terribly gay in spirit, lively, and happy as pigs in shit. Your Joy will be sucked from your life the moment your name is written on that birth certificate. You'll be awful, no doubt. Everyone will hate you, including yourself.

Feeling Seriously Bad for You, "Kay"