Kelly Kells representin the realist

There’s nothing like sweeping generalizations to get us into trouble here. My theories of astrology pop to mind: all Geminis are crazy, all Taurus women have junk in the trunk, all Scorpio men think with their stingers. Hmm. Not so inaccurate, actually. These sorts of assessments are not about logic, or science, or anything quantifiable, because some things you just know. And you just know—if you name your child Kelly, she’s going to be a loud mouth.

Yeah, I hear you Kellys out there with your dissent. How could I not, you’re yelling at the computer. I can hear you through the blog. Kelly is definitely the girl who won’t shut up in class, because she’s bored with the teacher and wants to pass notes about the crude thing she wrote on the back of the bathroom door about her best friend’s mom. Kelly is the girl who always does her dares, and makes sure to announce when she’s about to do them.

“I’M GOING TO PRANK CALL THAT SLUTTY GIRL FROM SPANISH CLASS NOW.”
“I’M GOING TO FART NEXT TO THAT GIRL WHO’S DIGGING IN THE SALE BIN OF THONGS NOW.”
“I’M GOING TO WEAR THIS PINK BIKINI TOP INTO THE VIDEO FAN NOW.”

The unfortunate thing for Kelly is that she can never be a pretty pretty princess. Think about your famous Kellys, and they all seem a little awkward and unable to wrangle femininity. Kelly Ripa, she’s a loud, screeching trail wreck. Kelly Kapowski? I know her pants were way too high for any self respecting teen actress, and we can pity that with a moment of silence. But she also couldn’t quite get the pretty down. They just stood her next to Lisa Turtle and that fugly mistake of a character Jesse Spano and she was like a damn flat-chested playmate. So, what about Sitcom Hottie of the Year 1988, Kelly Bundy? Go back and watch those reruns and you’ll see. She wants to belch the alphabet. I promise. Coming up to the nineties, there’s of course: Kelly Taylor. See, Kelly was the wrong name for her. THAT character was a Heather if I ever saw one. She was too "bad girl" but from this BS “wounded” place, her parents didn’t pay her enough attention, wah wah wah…a real Kelly would have been a bad ass just to mess with the fuckers at West Beverly. She would have stolen the mic from David Silver at the hip campus “radio station” and announced Steve Sanders’ dick size to the entire school, before MC Karl Kani had a chance to squeak a fart. Mainly, because Kellys represent.
Representin,
Kells