AssTrology

I have been brainstorming ideas all week, but my blog partner and I have only seen each from afar across the sea of the store's pep rally. I dialed her on my hand phone but it only gave me a busy signal. So while we take a few days to put our angsty little heads together, here's a shorty to tide you over.

I listen to the Russ Parr morning show every day that I can, for one reason: horoscopes. They are funny, mean and have great recurring characters (as well as some offensive ones that I don't quite appreciate...I mean really, the Asian nail character is just embarressing.) I really have been hanging out lately to hear Freaky Uncle show back up on the scene. That one's particularly good. "Watch out now" is the catch phrase. He makes a terrible, offensive, dirty-dirty comment, and then utters the catch phrase. I promise it will remind you of a middle aged man you know that can't quite understand that he's not hot at the clubs anymore, or that the family reunion isn't a place to pick up girls. There's someone at work that I think could easily do a killer Freaky Uncle impression. Especially when I watch him chase after female customers that are half his age. If you hear me muttering at work, it's usually narrating his dirty old man antics, punctuated with a "watch out now" as he makes obvious his "appreciation" for the twenty year old female form.

I digress. This morning horoscopes were kind of meh, but reminded me that I've known several people in my life that are named after astrological signs. Seriously bad. Some I understand, others....welll.....Aries, Taurus, Leo, Virgo all seem fairly common, I have known a few in high school and college, but what I really want to know is the thought process on the part of the parent. First of all, does the name match the birthday? I've never known anyone who does. Aries will be a Capricorn, Leo will be a Gemini. Confusing? Second, what reference are you making with naming someone after a sign? Are you really into the stubbornness of Taurus and excited to pass it on? Really stoked to make your kid have a short fuse, and so you pick Aries? Or is it another case of a parent with a lack of imagination???

See you in the stars,
Sagittarius Aquarius von Pisces

Cabbage Patch Kids rotting in a vat of their ugly fucking names.

So I'm reading Kelly's post and I'm like, shit. I need to think of something good. I'm going over sitcoms in my head and I'm like well DJ Tanner is pretty bad. Right? The Deej? Crying over Kathy Santoni in the bathroom stall with her lunch on her lap and all that mess. Nah, not good enough. So I'm like, well what about cartoons? And my mind immediately goes to the 80's because those were the cartoons I knew best. Suddenly, in a flash of genius, I remember.

The fucking Cabbage Patch Kids. Jesus christ, Xavier Roberts and the goddamn bunnybees and goddamn Babyland General Hospital. You've got sneaky ass Cabbage Jack lurking around spying on behalf of Beau Weasel and Lavender McDade. And old Colonel Casey and Otis-Lee, whatever the hell they were doing when the bad guys were stealing wallets on Christmas and trying to keep Paula-Louise from finding old orphan Jenny a good home even though she had a leg brace. (Who wants an adorable, sweet little redhead in a leg brace anyway...give me a break). And old Tyler-Bo and Ramie-Marie along with Sybil-Sadie and whoever the hell else run for their lives to find the nice couple with the wallet that old Beau Weasel dropped on the ground in New York (idiot). For sure these nice people will want crippled old Jenny. Anyway, I am getting totally off track here. The point of all this rambling is that the Cabbage Patch Kids have the most fucked up names of anyone ever, dolls and animated characters alike.

It's like after the doll is made and before the birth certificate goes into printing, someone in a fake nurse's uniform picks two first names out of the biggest pot of ugly fucking names in the world. Are the names inscribed on the certificate supposed to represent a first and middle name? Probably. But still, jesus. Like adding a last name would make it all better. I like to think of these as hyphenated first names, which in itself drives me absolutely nuts. Like when someone says, "Janna Bonnie, please come help make dinner." or "Gail Andrea! School starts in 15 minutes; hurry UP!" This does not mean that when your mother is mad she calls you by your first and middle name. This means that even on your English test you will write your name as
Gaylynn Glenda. Even your Science teacher will say, "Oh Cassidy Shirley, your project turned out just wonderful!" Or your math teacher will say, "Who knows the solution to this equation? Matthew? Jennifer? Astrid-Kelby?"

I like trying to add a last name to these train wrecks, like Geri-Karen Bethany Montopolis. Still doesn't work. You'll see her on the street in Cary Town and say, "Hey Geri-Karen! How's the antique plate collection going?" or maybe you'd see your good friend Florence-Julia Louise Attenbury and you'd be all, "Oh, Florence-Julia! Well I never! How LONG has it been?" Even on your credit card it'll say "Jo-Cheryl N. McIntosh," or "Deborah-Becky L. Stratford."

Never hyphenate your child's name. It's like trying to leave a voicemail for someone whose voicemail message is so long you fall asleep before it beeps, or have time to take a shit before you have to say anything. Or it's annoying when Irba-Melissa walks in and you say, "Good Morning, Irba." and she's all, "It's Irba-MELISSA." Well shit, excuse me for trying to save a few syllables from boring me to death. Below is a list of Cabbage Patch Kid names--all names used in this post were taken straight from the CPK website. See for yourself if you want to. It's a fuckin' goldmine.

• Sally Lettie
• Maxwell Ballard
• Bambi Sarri (WTF?)
• Addy Barbara
• Tammie Cassandra
• Marla Yasmin
• Celeste Margaret
• Beatrice Janie
• Aubrey Evelyn
• Edie Erna
• Alexis Judith
• Shelley Jaymee (eeeeew)
• Cynthia Milly
• Fantasia Olimpia (omg)
• Glendakay Tami
• Buffy Susan (ok, fine, I made this one up)
• Jeannine Margo
• Bianca Hilary
• Barb Claudia (one of my favs) "Hey, Barb Claudia, hope to see you at the mall later!"
• Aubree Mandi
• Verna Terry
• Sheron Misty
• Sheron Phyllis
• Maple Chandra
• Penny Sandy
• Zebular Trent (I couldn't make this shit up, people)
• Aretha Nina
• Sis Eleni
• Marjorie Robbie "Have you guys seen Marjorie Robbie? She was supposed to meet me at Hot Topic like, 20 minutes ago."
• Barbara Monica
• Niccele Oprah
• Porsche Courtney (That one's for you, Kelly) "Porsche Courtney, Do you have something you'd like to share with the class, or would you like me to read that note out loud?"

Slightly Stunned,
Kaylee Vicky

Brady Bunch of Crappy Names

My best friend Lisa and I used to talk on the phone during the summers for five and six hours at a time. We were like nine, what else could we have been doing? Not like we had cable, or internet, back in 1986. So we would watch tv together, whatever we could find on the six channels we had, which amounted to a lot of Bob Ross and a sickening amount of The Brady Bunch. It just occurred to me the other day, when brainstorming ideas for the blog, that The Brady Bunch really brings together some of the worst names that America has to offer. Let's explore:

The Bitchy Sisters
Marcia: So, good idea on a name, inventor of Marcia (Marsha). Evoke the idea of a boggy, mossy stinktrap. Everyone knows the character of Marcia, her smug dominance of her subordinate sisters, her trite concerns, her damned hair. Marcia is destined to be boring, self-absorbed and snippy. And a stinktrap.
Jan: Jan evokes a visceral reaction when it moves its way sluggishly out of your mouth. Jan. It's like a chewed up Airhead, all molasses-y and choking. On the other hand, if it is the European Jan for a guy, it's a totally rad name, mostly because you don't have to regurgitate it with the chewy "Juh" sound at the beginning.
Cindy: Get the fuck outta here. This is one of the worst names ever. Cindy, Cyndi--a white trash standard in the baby name book. I may have to reserve some venom for a future post, since Cindy brings out the worst in me. Even worse when goth girls make it Sindy or Sindi, BARF.

The Dumb Brothers
Greg: Another name that gets stuck somewhere in the back of the throat, like a ball of phlegm. Greg is a serious name for a kid, and a boring name for an old man. There's no movement, no excitement. It's just a blop of Greg on the ground.
Peter: So. Names that are also nicknames for penises. This, again, will have to be a longer post, as my blogmate has a great correlation to the movie "Teen Witch" that relates to penis names. But basically, don't name your kid after a shlong, especially if your last name is Johnson.
Bobby: Robert isn't such a bad name. It's strong, pleasing to say, and respectable when not shortened to Bert. But Bobby is just a way of forever sticking your kid in the status of a 5 year old, much that way that Mikey arrests development. Bobby is so close to Booby that you also curse your child in that *special* elementary school way.

The Clueless Parents
Mike: I was so excited when I found out that the actor that played the Brady dad was gay. I just wish he could have been out and about with it. Maybe when I'm an old lady there will be sitcoms with gay parents, and the focus of the show ISN'T the orientation. But back to Mike. Michael is another classic name, like Robert, with a satisfying ring and neutral history. But Mike, in its informality and shortness, leaves a little to be desired.
Carol: I have a great aunt Carol, so I have great associations with this name. Florence Henderson's character, and also Carol Seaver, are the only negative strikes for this name. I might have to leave any Carol bashing to my blogmate.

The Peripheral People
Alice: We are Alice fans around here, a good classy old lady name. Alice as a character was a little annoying, but not bad enough to take away Alice's charm.
Sam: As in the butcher. Sam rhymes with Ham. Ham, not so pleasant. Nuff said.
Oliver: Cousin Oliver was such a little shithead. I knew a cat named Oliver, and he was great, with his black tail and white body. Much in the same way that Eddie is only a cat name to me now, and any boys I meet named Eddie instantly convert to cat in my mind, Oliver is very snuggly as a cat name. As a boy's name, I can only say, sorry kid. Sorry that your name is better suited for a cat.

Bunched beyond belief,
Kells

Food and Drink Names

Getting pregnant can be a traumatic thing, and I'm sure many a mom-to-be have found themselves crying over an adult beverage or two. It's probably more common than we think. Spend a day at the mall, watching the barely coherent and intellectually void population as they push drooling spawn in smelly strollers, and you may be able to calculate the ratio of prenatal alcohol consumption in relation to the confused vacancy of the expression. It's natural to get pissed about an unplanned pregnancy, but please, ladies--when you are mourning the loss of your youth, figure and sanity over fire water in a mason jar, don't brainstorm baby names. Names like Brandy (Brandi) and Sherry (Sherri) evoke plastic covered furniture and wood paneling, the stale essence of century old cigarette smoke and pork rinds. The only acceptable names derived from alcohol are for drag queens, such as the Lady Chablis.
Also, when searching for names as a ravenously hungry pregster, don't take inspiration from your cravings. Names like Candy (Candi) are not sweet. Ginger is an appropriate name for a cocker spaniel, or a Spice Girl, not for an infant. Naming your kid after cheese should be criminal, just ask any Colby. Would you name a kid Cheddar? Gouda? And who takes Gabrielle and slices it into Brie? Bleh. Names taken from herbs are a flashback to the days of hippies and their misguided theories of childrearing--Rosemary, Sage, they make me think of girls who'd rather be a Jennifer so they could find their name in the display of personalized pens and post-its at the stationary store (consequently, the store that also sells stickers by the square, and those little animal figurines stuck on the paper square, I wish I still had my calico cats and unicorns!)
Nostalgic for Newmarket North,
Kells

Kelly Kells representin the realist

There’s nothing like sweeping generalizations to get us into trouble here. My theories of astrology pop to mind: all Geminis are crazy, all Taurus women have junk in the trunk, all Scorpio men think with their stingers. Hmm. Not so inaccurate, actually. These sorts of assessments are not about logic, or science, or anything quantifiable, because some things you just know. And you just know—if you name your child Kelly, she’s going to be a loud mouth.

Yeah, I hear you Kellys out there with your dissent. How could I not, you’re yelling at the computer. I can hear you through the blog. Kelly is definitely the girl who won’t shut up in class, because she’s bored with the teacher and wants to pass notes about the crude thing she wrote on the back of the bathroom door about her best friend’s mom. Kelly is the girl who always does her dares, and makes sure to announce when she’s about to do them.

“I’M GOING TO PRANK CALL THAT SLUTTY GIRL FROM SPANISH CLASS NOW.”
“I’M GOING TO FART NEXT TO THAT GIRL WHO’S DIGGING IN THE SALE BIN OF THONGS NOW.”
“I’M GOING TO WEAR THIS PINK BIKINI TOP INTO THE VIDEO FAN NOW.”

The unfortunate thing for Kelly is that she can never be a pretty pretty princess. Think about your famous Kellys, and they all seem a little awkward and unable to wrangle femininity. Kelly Ripa, she’s a loud, screeching trail wreck. Kelly Kapowski? I know her pants were way too high for any self respecting teen actress, and we can pity that with a moment of silence. But she also couldn’t quite get the pretty down. They just stood her next to Lisa Turtle and that fugly mistake of a character Jesse Spano and she was like a damn flat-chested playmate. So, what about Sitcom Hottie of the Year 1988, Kelly Bundy? Go back and watch those reruns and you’ll see. She wants to belch the alphabet. I promise. Coming up to the nineties, there’s of course: Kelly Taylor. See, Kelly was the wrong name for her. THAT character was a Heather if I ever saw one. She was too "bad girl" but from this BS “wounded” place, her parents didn’t pay her enough attention, wah wah wah…a real Kelly would have been a bad ass just to mess with the fuckers at West Beverly. She would have stolen the mic from David Silver at the hip campus “radio station” and announced Steve Sanders’ dick size to the entire school, before MC Karl Kani had a chance to squeak a fart. Mainly, because Kellys represent.
Representin,
Kells

Setting You up for Disaster names

People that name their children based on moral strength really grind my gears. Look, if you name your kid Charity, she's gonna be the stingiest bitch that ever lived. In fact, she'd probably steal from a homeless person if she thought she could get away with it. The reason she'll turn out this way is because she'll be stuck with a name that means she should be the epitome of generosity--and anyone that sees her being a selfish bitch is going to take notice and give her crap about it--or at least think she's a terrible person. If you name your kid Hope, she's going to be a depressed, Slipknot sweatshirt wearing, wrist cutting mess. Same with if you name your kid Faith. She's gonna be a god hater and everyone at your church is going to shun her because they'll be able to tell the light of jesus isn't shining through her. Hahaha. Okay, sorry, back to business. Anyway, she'll probably be just as miserable as Hope because she'll realize the world sucks and she's stuck with this name that demands having faith in things and thinking everything is going to be okay--which it's not. I feel terrible for these people; I really do. So then we have Justice. Parents think it's so distinguished, and with a name like that, he or she will be a real leader. More like a dirty corrupt politician, with a name like that. His parents will always be all, "Now, Justice...this is the right thing to do...you should know that." Like as if just having Justice as a name will make he/she the shining jewel of ethics and moral consciousness. Then you have your Harmonys. Parents would think it sounds so whimsical and endearing, but really what you get is a girl who is completely unbalanced and has an atrocious voice. Last there's old Joy. Oh, Joy, where do I begin, you poor, poor thing. Your life is projected from birth to be terribly gay in spirit, lively, and happy as pigs in shit. Your Joy will be sucked from your life the moment your name is written on that birth certificate. You'll be awful, no doubt. Everyone will hate you, including yourself.

Feeling Seriously Bad for You, "Kay"

Gemstone Names

I mean, where do I even start? Emerald. Ruby. Opal. Diamond. Pearl. I mean....come on people. Opal? Opal gives me the same aftertaste as when I say the word, "Poop" or "Ointment". It's appalling, as is Diamond. Diamond is a girl who lost her virginity at age 9 to her second cousin in the back of the trailer when her parents had run out to get more Keystone Light. She got pregnant when she was 13 and named her kid, Mercedes. She works at Walmart and is losing her teeth because she's a meth addict. She was ruined at birth the moment she was named Diamond. I mean you wouldn't name your kid Amethyst or Peridot would you? How about Topaz or just good old "Moonstone"?? No one wants to be named Sapphire or Blue Zircon either, okay.

Totally Irritated, "Kay"